Crazy Doc

This fellow named Sam has been riding motorcycles for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing them. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week, and buys his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. One evening, after six months or so of total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded wilderness man standing there. "Name's George...your neighbor from 20 miles over the next mountain...havin' a party this coming Saturday...thought you'd like to come" "Great, after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As George is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem, after 25 years of riding motorcycles, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, George stops. "More than likely there's gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn," Sam thinks, "tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, George turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there!... By the way, what should I wear to the party?" George stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

contributed by Elwyn Mallari, RN
San Francisco General Hospital

A businessman took his clients out to dinner last week and he noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of the waiter as he handed them the menus. It seemed a little odd, but he dismissed it as a random thing. The busboy came with the water and tableware; he too sported a spoon in his breast pocket. He looked around the dining room, and all the waiters and busboys have spoons in their breast pockets. When the waiter returned to take their orders, he just had to ask, "Why the spoons?". "Well," the waiter explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per work station. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as the waiter concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. The businessman was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask." "No problem," the waiter answered. Then he continued to take the orders. As the members of the dinner party took their turns ordering, that's when out of the corner of his eye, the businessman spotted a thin black thread protruding from the waiter's fly. Again, he dismissed it, yet he had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. The curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before the waiter could leave, the businessman had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uhm...why, or what about that string?" "Oh yeah," the waiter began in a quieter tone," not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too." "How's that?" the businessman asked. "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!" "Hey, if the strings help you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" asked the businessman. "Well," the waiter whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Elwyn Mallari, RN
San Francisco General Hospital

Three Filipino husbands living in America are talking about their respective Filipino wives. All three wives are working as professionals in America. And all three husbands have the same complaints: (1)that their wives leave their house dirty, (2)their wives leave their sink full of dirty dishes, (3)and there is no hot food on the dinner table. The three husbands decided to confront their respective wives and they agreed to meet again after two weeks to compare notes. Two weeks later the first husband said that he ordered his Accountant wife to clean their house regularly, towash their dishes everyday, and to have hot food onthe dinner table everyday. The first day he said that nothing happened. But on the second day he saw some improvement, and by the third day the house was clean,the dishes washed, and there was hot food on the dinner table! The second husband who is married to an Engineer said that he ordered his wife the samethings. The first day, he said, nothing happened. Buton the second day, he saw some improvement, and by the third day, their house was clean, the dishes washed,and there was hot food on the dinner table! Then the first two husbands turned to the third husband who is married to a Registered Nurse. Well, the third husband said, he ordered his Registered Nurse wife the same things. On the first day, he did not see a thing, on the second day he also did not see a thing, but by the third day, he said the swelling on his left eye had subsided enough that he saw their house still dirty,the dishes still unwashed, and there was still no hot food on the dinner table!
-From Elwyn Mallari, RN
San Francisco General Hospital

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-
year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. The monkey said "I gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life
span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave
back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty,
okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you???

Doctor: "Ano po ang problema n'yo lolo?"
Pasyente: "Doc, may problema na yata ang mga tenga ko,bingeng-binge na. Pati utot ko hindi ko na tuloy madinig sa kabingehan ko."
Doctor: "Heto ang reseta lolo, inumin po n'yo itong gamot na ito."
Pasyente:"Maaalis ba ang pagkabinge ko dito?"
Doctor: "Hindi po lolo, pero lalakas ang utot n'yo."

-Contributed by Elwyn Mallari, RN, San Francisco General Hospital

Pasyente:"Doc, isang buwan na po akong nananaginip na
nagba-basketbol ako. Napapagod na ako. Meron ba kayong
gamot para dito?"
Doctor:"Heto ang gamot para diyan. Inumin mo mamayang
gabi bago ka matulog."
Pasyente:"Doc, pwede ba bukas na ng gabi ko na lang
inumin ito?"
Doctor:"Bakit naman?"
Pasyente:"Championship na kasi namin mamayang
gabi,eh!"
Contributed by: Elwyn Mallari, R.N., San Francisco General Hospital

An elderly couple were watching TV before retiring to bed. The woman said to her husband "Go to the kitchen and get me a soda from the fridge. But write it down so you don't forget." "Hey," the husband snorted, "surely I can remember that. I don't have to write it down".
So he went to the kitchen and came back after 30 minutes bringing pancakes and coffee. "See, honey" the wife said, "you forgot!".
"What did I forget?"
"You forgot the syrup for the pancakes."

-from Dr. Jose Toledano

An elderly gentleman was recounting the things he was losing as he grew older. "First", he said, "you begin to lose your eyesight", "then you lose your muscle strenght", "Third", "you lose your...you lose your....your.......Gee, I can't seem to remember the third one".

-Dr. Jose Toledano

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don't burden him with household chores or problems.
4. Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. She replied, "You're going to die."

An 80 year old man went to the doctor.
The doctor asked him what was wrong.
The man said "My sex drive is too high, I want you to lower it."
The doctor said "You are 80 years old and you want your sex drive lowered?"
Yes, the man replied, as he points to his head and says
"it's all up here, and I want it lowered.

There's nothing worse than a snooty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

In The Beginning...

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green,
yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Kreme Donuts.
And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said "Yes!"
And Woman said, "and as long as you're at it,
add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might
keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan
presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons
and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts
following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named
it "Angel Food", and said "it is good" Satan then
created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His
children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave
cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off
the beautiful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean meat so that Man might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And
Satan created fast-food restaurants with 99-cent
double cheeseburgers. Then said, "You want fries with
that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

......and Satan smiled as he created HMOs.